My blood sugar monitor stopped working last week, so I called for a new one to get delivered. Then something really unexpected happened.
I realized I missed it. A lot.
My younger self would have rejoiced in a reprieve from checking my BS; heck, I used to go months without it. Every time my doctor asked to see my numbers I would say I "forgot" to bring the logbook stacked with empty pages. Checking my BS didn’t just feel like a dreadful obligation that everyone nagged me to do--it was like taking a test I knew I couldn’t pass, an objective reminder of my failure.
Now it’s incredibly tough to not test. I simply want to know where I’m at. The numbers let me know if I need to take action or momentarily celebrate a good result.
Not being able to check my BS feels like exploring a forest without a map while the thought of misstepping into puma territory constantly looms. Is it safe to take a walk without knowing where I’m at? What if I’m too low? What if I’ve been high all day?
The last time I visited the doc I was told something for the first time in my life: I was checking my BS enough. I kept trying to process it as a compliment, but it seemed more like a simple statement of life, like “great job breathing.” Maybe it’s because it used to feel like there was a test quota from my doctor and that I would be judged for my results. Now I test for me, because I want to know. Everything works so much better.
I checked the mail every day this week like it was Christmas, and my new BS monitor finally came. Reunited, and it felt so good. :)