My blood sugar monitor stopped
working last week, so I called for a new one to get delivered. Then
something really unexpected happened.
I realized I missed
it. A lot.
My younger self would
have rejoiced in a reprieve from checking my BS; heck, I used to go
months without it. Every time my doctor asked to see my numbers I would
say I "forgot" to bring the logbook stacked with empty pages. Checking my BS didn’t just feel like a dreadful obligation that everyone nagged
me to do--it was like taking a test I knew I couldn’t pass, an objective
reminder of my failure.
Now it’s incredibly tough to not test. I simply want to know where I’m at. The numbers let me know if I need to take
action or momentarily celebrate a good result.
Not being able to check my BS
feels like exploring a forest without a map while the thought of misstepping
into puma territory constantly looms.
Is it safe to take a walk without knowing where I’m at? What if I’m too low? What if I’ve been high all day?
The last time I visited the doc I
was told something for the first time in my life: I was checking my BS enough. I kept trying to process it as a compliment,
but it seemed more like a simple statement of life, like “great
job breathing.” Maybe it’s because it
used to feel like there was a test quota from my doctor and that I would be judged
for my results. Now I test for me, because I want to know. Everything
works so much better.
I checked the mail every day this week like
it was Christmas, and my new BS monitor finally came. Reunited, and it felt so good. :)
