Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Things Break, Then a Bigger Surprise

My blood sugar monitor stopped working last week, so I called for a new one to get delivered.  Then something really unexpected happened.
I realized I missed it.  A lot.

My younger self would have rejoiced in a reprieve from checking my BS; heck, I used to go months without it.  Every time my doctor asked to see my numbers I would say I "forgot" to bring the logbook stacked with empty pages.  Checking my BS didn’t just feel like a dreadful obligation that everyone nagged me to do--it was like taking a test I knew I couldn’t pass, an objective reminder of my failure.  

Now it’s incredibly tough to not test.  I simply want to know where I’m at.  The numbers let me know if I need to take action or momentarily celebrate a good result. 

Not being able to check my BS feels like exploring a forest without a map while the thought of misstepping into puma territory constantly looms.  Is it safe to take a walk without knowing where I’m at?  What if I’m too low?  What if I’ve been high all day?

The last time I visited the doc I was told something for the first time in my life:  I was checking my BS enough.  I kept trying to process it as a compliment, but it seemed more like a simple statement of life, like “great job breathing.”  Maybe it’s because it used to feel like there was a test quota from my doctor and that I would be judged for my results.  Now I test for me, because I want to know.  Everything works so much better.

I checked the mail every day this week like it was Christmas, and my new BS monitor finally came.  Reunited, and it felt so good. :)