What Brings Me Down: None and All of It

Most days if someone would ask me how I feel about diabetes, I would say it’s fine, no big deal.  Everyone is dealing with something, and diabetes happens to be where my goat is tied.

But some days it is too much.  The nonstop worry, guilt, stress, fear, and questioning overwhelm you.  You need a break that will never come.  You feel inadequate and unable to master this disease and thus your own fate.  You wish you were cursed with anything else but this.

A few years ago I sat in on a workshop about de-escalation and learned one of the basics was to acknowledge what the person in crisis was feeling.  It makes total sense.

Unfortunately as diabetics we deny ourselves this all the time—the acknowledgement that it is a lot to handle.  It isn’t cancer, it isn’t a terminal diagnosis, and it’s manageable.  We want to minimize the stress and fretting of our loved ones, so we carry on and try to normalize it.  At least I do.  I don’t want to bring anyone down, as if my vulnerability is their burden.

But living with this condition is significant.  It’s always there.  It dominates my thoughts around every meal and every workout and every drive and every date and every time out with friends. 

It’s hard, and we should give each other that much.  Which is why I really appreciate Thursday’s topic and posts relating to Mental Health Month and coping.

On the worst days, some of the things that bring me down are thoughts (if irrational) like this:

•         Having to deal with this when none of my friends do is the worst thing in the entire world
•        I am alone and no one understands
•        I am failing at BS control, and the resulting complications and/or death will be my fault
•         Diabetes has made me an inferior person

Dark stuff, right?  What I do to conquer these feelings and move on is at first acknowledge them.  I accept that it is okay to feel them and confirm that I am facing a challenging situation.  In other words, I revel in self-pity.

After that phase has concluded I try to do things that make me happy and calm.  This can be very hard to do at times because I’m having so much fun with the self-pity phase, but I know it works every time so it’s just a matter of getting out and doing things such as:

•         Taking a walk

Walks are nice.  Always.

•         Playing with my cat (or any animal that is readily available)

Someone super hates her Christmas accessories, which only serves to make it more endearing.

•         Making a delicious but somewhat healthy meal that makes me feel like I’m back on track

Curry would be super healthy but for the can of coconut cream that has basically a week's worth of calories. YUM!

•         Seeing family or talking with friends

Bonus: hanging with loved ones AND a furry animal!

•         Writing or journaling about what’s going on
•     Going online to listen, learn from, and share with the wonderful diabetes community there

Diabetes won't give you a break, but you certainly deserve one.  Go for it!!

Good Gravy: The Impact of Dieting

A conversation today turned to diets, and it wasn’t long before the word “guilt” came into play.

Food is a never-ending quagmire for diabetics.  We're coached on the proper foods to eat and shown plastic food to demonstrate appropriate portion sizes at the same time we are cautioned with vivid examples of the consequences that follow non-adherence to restrictions.  We think through every meal, consider every bite. 

We compare what we eat to what’s in the diet plans, consider what our specialists would say about the pizza we had for supper, and wish it was as easy as it seems to be for our extreme-health friends and people in the media.  We get referred to the dietitian over an over not because we don’t know what we should be eating, you know, all the time, but because our docs aren’t quite sure how else to change our behavior in response to high A1Cs. 

What we don’t acknowledge often enough is that it is asking a lot.  I wish we were more cognizant of our strengths: that we may not always say no to sweets or yes to exercise, but we’re human and doing the best we can while faced with unending demands.  We are asked to do what everyone should be doing—eating mindfully and focusing on healthy foods—but for the rest of our lives and without fail.  There’s a study that covered the psychological impact of a restrictive diet on otherwise healthy guys that validates that point: it takes a lot to cut back on calories, even more so in today’s food-soaked culture.

So please:

•  Give yourself more credit. 
•  Forgive yourself for past mistakes.
•  Keep trying.

They say diets fail because people cheat and then assume all is lost.  It’s not.  Keep going.

We can't let the guilt narrative repeat in our heads, the one that says you failed; you could've done better.  I’m still trying to shake an addiction to chicken nuggets, but for now I’m appreciating how far I’ve come. 

On the Malice of Bugs

When I took a walk today tiny gnats swarmed in clouds around me.  They stayed with me for a good clip of my route as if magnetized to my face.  
 

Annoyed, I tried my best to ignore them, but I soon got amply frustrated.  It seemed as if they were trying to ruin the outing, holding me back as well as they could with their muted buzzing and dangerously close proximity to my eyes.  I imagined they were deriving amusement from it all.

Which, of course, is ridiculous. 

Though my knowledge of biology is shaky, I doubt the the bugs were actively attempting to foil my walk. 

I thought on the way home that I needed a mental reset; I was thinking of things in an unhealthy way.  Not only were the bugs not “out to get me,” but wasn’t it just plausible that the converse was true, that the bugs were swarming me because they wanted to join in and accompany me on my walk?

Feeling beaten down is always a choice.  Stress and frustrations from dealing with diabetes easily brings us to a place where negativity seems the most real, but we have to clean our lenses to see things for what they are.

Remembering to Look Up

With the threat of snow safely past us, it’s safe to say spring has reached Minnesota.  And it’s absolutely glorious.

Like many of my neighbors who seem similarly euphoric to be outside without having to wear a coat, I’ve been taking as many walks as possible.  In an effort to shake things up yesterday I went rollerblading for the first time of the season. 

I love rollerblading, but I’m not good at it.  I am graceless, my balance is non-existent, and when falling I tend to catch myself with my face.  I can only rollerblade on newer, smooth paved trails or there’s no hope of staying upright.  Despite the danger to my limbs, it’s a great workout and it’s pretty fun.

As I rolled along yesterday I enjoyed feeling the breeze, the tranquility of being removed from the noise of traffic or the TV, and the pleasant muscle exertion that made me proud of working out without the panic-related doubt during intense workouts that makes you feel like you may pass out or die at any second. 

But after going along for about twenty minutes, I realized I hadn’t glanced up more than a few times to take in my surroundings.  In fear of tripping over a stick, a crack in the asphalt, or Heaven forbid, a snake, my due diligence was robbing me of enjoying the natural beauty of the wetlands and woods surrounding the trail.  Was it necessary to stay fixated on the ground to prevent myself from ending up on it?

I continually struggle with the same question regarding managing diabetes, and I have yet to answer it.  What is the right balance between living a healthy life and enjoying it? 

More and more I am realizing that the two approaches must be integrated—that you have to discover healthy ways of eating, exercising, and thinking about things in ways that appeal to you.  When I used to separate the two and switch back and forth between the two--controlling diabetes or living a “normal” life—I never did well with either one.  Guilt or doomsday feelings of long-term effects always follow you when you live like a non-diabetic, and when you do try to pay attention to it you feel cheated of the “normal” life you still envision as part of your world. 

I’ve been working to find more ways to live healthy that not only don’t feel like punishment but are actually enjoyable.  I signed up for a couple 5ks to keep me motivated to jog.  I’ve experimented with different salad toppings and dressings that effectively distract me from my constant craving for a cheeseburger.  I joined a new gym (that I hopefully will actually use ;) ). 

I doubt, however, that the search for true balance is over.  It seems even when I am keeping tight control of my B.S. the energy required to do so shifts my focus too far one way and I don’t focus on enjoying every moment, or I start to envision false limitations. 

For now I’ve decided to take the same approach as I did when rollerblading: scan the ground ahead for potential pitfalls, but keep my head up and enjoy the view.